You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
