I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
