just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
