I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
