I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
