I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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