Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
and you fell through a lawn chair
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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