Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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