birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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