u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
