guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
