he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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