I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
