i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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