I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
