I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
