Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
