Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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