Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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