I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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