I wish I could punch you in the face.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
