Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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