you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
