so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
