toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
