Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
