How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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