i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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