Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I could make wine with my vomit
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
