new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
