he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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