Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
