i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
