I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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