so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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