I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
