my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
