My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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