I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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