I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
