sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
