Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I am available for nakedness
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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