Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
