What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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