I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
