apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
