You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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