I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
