Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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