Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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