I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
whose parrot is this?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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