Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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